a dad’s letter to his son (about marriage)

Dear Son,

It seems like yesterday you were blowing poop out of your diaper onto your mother’s lap. Yet here we are, on the verge of the birds-and-the-bees conversation. The poop was way easier.

Before we talk about sex, though, I want to talk about marriage. Not because I’ll shun you or shame you if you don’t put them in that order—although I hope you will—but because I believe the only good reason to get married will bring clarity to every other aspect of your life, including sex.

Buddy, you’re probably going to want to get married for all the wrong reasons. We all do. In fact, the most common reason to get married also happens to be the most dangerous: we get married because we think it will make us happy. Getting married in order to be happy is the surest way to get divorced.

There are beautiful marriages. But marriages don’t become beautiful by seeking happiness; they become beautiful by seeking something else. Marriages become beautiful when two people embrace the only good reason to get married: to practice the daily sacrifice of their egos. 

Ego. You may be hearing that word for the first time. It probably sounds foreign and confusing to you. This is what it means to me:

Your ego is the part of you that protects your heart. You were born with a good and beautiful heart, and it will never leave you. But when I was too harsh toward you, or your friends began to make fun of your extracurricular choices, you started to doubt if your heart was good enough. Don’t worry, it happens to all of us at some point.

And so your mind began to build a wall around your heart. That happens to all of us, too. It’s like a big castle wall with a huge moat—it keeps us safe from invaders who might want to get in and attack our heart. And thank goodness for your ego-wall! Your heart is worthy of protection, buddy.

At first, we only use the ego-wall to keep people out. But eventually, as we grow up, we get tired of hiding fearfully and we decide the best defense is a good offense. We put cannons on our ego-wall and we start firing. For some people that looks like anger. For other people, it looks like gossip and judgment and divisiveness. One of my favorite ego-cannons is to pretend everyone on the outside of my wall is wrong. It makes me feel right and righteous, but really it just keeps me safe inside of my ideas. I know I’ve fired my ego-cannons at you from time to time, and for that I’m truly sorry.

Sometimes we need our cannons to survive. Most of the time we don’t.

Both men and women have ego-walls with cannons. But you’re going to be a man soon, so it’s important to tell you what men tend do with their ego walls—we justify them by pretending they are essential to being a “real” man. Really, most of us are just afraid our hearts won’t be good enough for the people we love, so we choose to stay safe and protected behind high walls with lots of cannons.

Can you see how that might be a problem for marriage?

If you fall into the trap of thinking your ego-wall is essential to being a man, it will destroy any chance of having an enduringly joyful marriage. Because, in the end, the entire purpose of marriage is to dismantle your ego-wall, brick by brick, until you are fully available to the person you love. Open. Vulnerable. Dangerously united.

Buddy, people have sex because for a moment at the climax of it, their mind is without walls, the ego goes away, and they feel free and fully connected. With sex, the feeling lasts for only a moment.But if you commit yourself to marriage, you commit yourself to the long, painful, joyous work of dismantling your ego-walls for good. Then, the moment can last a lifetime.

Many people are going tell you the key to a happy marriage is to put God at the center of it, but I think it depends upon what your experience of God does for your ego. Because if your God is one of strength and power and domination, a God who proves you’re always right and creates dividing lines by which you judge everyone else, a God who keeps you safe and secure, I think you should keep that God as far from the center of your marriage as you can. He’ll only build your ego-wall taller and stronger.

But if the God you experience is a vulnerable one, the kind of God that turns the world upside down and dwells in the midst of brokenness and embraces everyone on the margins and will sacrifice anything for peace and reconciliation and wants to trade safety and security for a dangerous and risky love, then I agree, put him right at the center of your marriage. If your God is in the ego dismantling business, he will transform your marriage into sacred ground.

What’s the secret to a happy marriage? Marry someone who has also embraced the only good reason to get married.

Someone who will commit to dying alongside you—not in fifty years, but daily, as they dismantle the walls of their ego with you.

Someone who will be more faithful to you than they are to their own safety.

Someone willing to embrace the beauty of sacrifice, the surrender of their strength, and the peril of vulnerability.

In other words, someone who wants to spend their one life stepping into a crazy, dangerous love with you and only you.

With my walls down,

Dad

 

link: http://drkellyflanagan.com/2014/01/29/a-dads-letter-to-his-son-about-the-only-good-reason-to-get-married/

in the meantime

Scriu aici cu detalii pe care acum le stim, dar pe care in timp le putem uita. Mai ales eu. Si-mi face bine sa mi le adancesc in minte.

Iti scriam pe mail:

“da..a venit timpul ala. cand eu nu mai gasesc resurse, rabdare si energie in mine sa mai lupt. poate asta e capatul resurselor mele. poate Dzeu ar putea sa intervina sa-mi mareasca resursele. Dar nu o face. Pana acum. In momentul asta eu cred ca am dat tot…si nu mi-a mai ramas mai nimic de sperat, de luptat, de incercat. Dar totul meu n-a fost niciodata deajuns pt tine, mai niciodata pe limba ta…cu toate ca Dzeu stie, am incercat.”

si-mi tot suna in cap melodia asta:

“What’s left to say when every word’s been spoken?
What’s left to see when our eyes won’t open?
What’s left to do when we’ve lost all hope and
What’s left to break when our hearts are broken?

But sometimes…

Do you remember how this started out?
So full of hope and now we’re filled with doubt
A dirty joke we used to laugh about
But it’s not funny anymore”

But sometimes..

Cateodata Dzeu alege sa incurajeze inimile noastra distruse, si fara speranta. 

Am ascultat aseara cu tine partea a doua din In the meantime, a lui Andy Stanley. Desigur, la initiativa ta..si sa vedem seria asta si si sa vedem impreuna aseara (multumesc! fii binecuvantat!)

Si Dzeu mi-a mangaiat inima prin mesajul asta..inima mea aspra si colturoasa si ranita si in bucati.

Ideea era ca te ajuta sa te uiti la alti oameni care au trecut prin aceleasi situatii ca tine..oameni ai lui Dzeu care s-au rugat sa fie crutati, sa fie eliberati de anumite greutati majore si la rugaciunile carora cerul a ramas inchis, sau Dzeu a zis nu. 

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me,“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Asadar..nu mai fug de perioade grele pt ca energia mea s-a dus, da, energia mea s-a dus..dar Dzeu imi promite ca in perioadele grele, cand nu-mi raspunde la rugaciuni, cand pare ca e departe atunci Harul Lui este indeajuns, iar puterea Lui este facuta desavarsita.

Imi rezolva perioada asta? Nu. Imi schimba perspectiva asupra perioadei asteia? Da. Pentru ca asa cum sunt, vin la Dzeu si ii zic ca vreau sa nu ascund durerile mele, sa nu ascund probleme noastre, sa nu fug de ele..ci sa le recunosc, sa le las sa ma smereasca si sa le las sa-si duca la indeplinire SCOPUL pentru care au fost DARUITE. Iar pana atunci..harul Lui este indeajuns, puterea Lui este desavarsita.

So, ma agat de promisiunea asta ca Harul Lui este suficient, chiar cand nu vad scopul si finalitatea problemelor noastre si astept… Dar nu astept cu un oftat, ci cu incredere ca El are un scop cu acest cadou pe care ni l-a daruit 🙂

Pentru tine cum a avut sens mesajul asta?

P.S. am schimbat la poza de cover perspectiva: (stii tu care poza, cea fara like-uri:)) si care e atat de despre inima mea incat nu conteaza like-urile) 

toamna din nou :).  a gift with a purpose and a promise 🙂

 

Lepadare de sine

Aseara, dupa ce ne-am spus noapte buna, am ascultat o predica de.a lui Richard Wurmbrand intitulata simplu, “Lepadarea de sine”. Daca vrei sa asculti predica este aici

Foarte faina predica dar o sa iti scriu doar un exemplu despre ce inseama defapt sa mori fata de tine. Pentru mine a fost foarte sugestiv si cu foarte mare impact. 

“Se facea ca era undeva in secolul al 4-lea un pastor foare bine vazut care avea o foarte mare autoritate. La un moment dat vine la el un enorias si ii spune ce probleme are acasa, ca nu il asculta copiii, ca nevasta nu stiu ce ii face ca multe probleme. La care pastorul ii spune in felul urmator: Draga, iti inteleg problemele, acum du-te te rog in cimitirul satului nostru si opreste-te la fiecare cruce si spune fiecarei personae din acele cosciuge cele mai frumoase cuvinte pe care le poti spune tu.

Enoriasul, bulversat, ii spune pastorului ca este absurd ce ii cere sa faca, dar pentru ca il respecta o sa faca ce a zis. Se duce enoriasul in cimitir si face intocmai. Apoi sei intoarce si povesteste ce a facut, la care pastorul ii spune: Foarte bine ai facut, acum du-te inapoi si spune,le tot asa la fiecare cele mai urate cuvinte care iti vin in minte. Enoriasul si mai bulversat se duce in cimitir si incepe: Sunteti cei mai urati, cei mai prosti, cei mai neindemanatici, mamale voastre sunt niste ****, sunteti vai de voi. 

Dupa ce a facut toate astea, enorisasul se intoarce la pastor si ii povesteste ce a facut. Pastorul ii intreba : Ei, cum au reactionat ? Cand le-ai zis lucruri bune s-au ingamfat? Pai cum sa se ingamfe ca erau morti. Ok, dar cand le-ai zis lucruri urate si i-ai criticat s-a suparat careva? Pai cum sa se supere ca erau morti.”

Asta inseama sa fim morti fata de pacat si sa renuntam la “eu-ul” nostru. 

 

T.